Fatherhood Desires and Perceptions among Israeli Heterosexual Men

Throughout history, the family has been a significant and influential institution. Its establishment is driven by a range of factors including an evolutionary imperative, the pursuit of self-realization, and the desire for personal growth and a fulfilling life. However, a global trend towards delaying marriage is on the rise, resulting in a growing number of individuals who choose to postpone, delay or forego parenthood and the formation of a family. While some individuals choose to remain single, others find themselves in this situation due to a variety of reasons.

This study is based on the social cognitive model for fertility intentions developed by Bacharach & Morgan (2013(. This model suggests that an individual's desire and planning for having children are shaped by the social and cultural context in which they live. Israel is known as a pro-natalist country, where the family is held in high esteem, and social policies prioritize family welfare. It also has the highest average birth rate among all OECD countries.  As a result, unmarried men in Israel are required to navigate the intersection between their personal context and the broader social and cultural context in which they exist.

The current study explores the perceptions of fatherhood and the desire for fatherhood among unmarried, heterosexual Israeli Jewish individuals - a topic that has received little attention in existing research. The study sample consisted of twenty single, Israeli, Jewish, heterosexual men between the ages of 29-45, who did not have children. The participants included individuals from both religious and secular backgrounds, and those who were in a relationship and those who were not. The data was collected through in-depth interviews conducted by the researcher, using a semi-structured questionnaire designed to investigate the participant's perceptions of fatherhood and their yearning for it. The research findings were analyzed using a phenomenological approach, and a theoretical model was developed to capture the key elements of the participant's longing for fatherhood. This model builds on the social cognitive model for fertility intention, which formed the basis of the study.

The study's participants provided a rich and emotional portrayal of their perceptions of fatherhood. Their experiences were found to be strongly influenced by the social and family contexts in which they grew up. For instance, the study found that nephews and nieces provided a significant window into parenthood, offering both emotional and practical insights, which in turn impacted the participant's longing for fatherhood and motivated them. The personality and behavior of the father figure, as well as his absence, were also identified as factors that influenced participant's perceptions of fatherhood and their desire to experience it. Social environment was also found to play an important role in shaping these perceptions and desires. The study found that a desire to conform to societal expectations, to keep pace with friends, and to avoid being left behind, were all factors that contributed to a strong desire to become a father. The emotional aspect of the fatherlessness status was a prominent theme in the interviews with the research participants. Those who expressed a desire to become fathers conveyed a sense of loss and sadness due to their current situation, while those who did not desire fatherhood conveyed a sense of contentment and fulfillment with their status. For those who had not chosen to be childless, the discourse surrounding fatherhood was characterized by fear and apprehension about the prospect of future fatherhood or a sense of relief that they were not fathers. However, those who had fallen into the status of childlessness against their will expressed feelings of grief and loss, along with a sense of insecurity and damaged self-image. Additionally, the interviewees spoke about the profound and acute loneliness they experienced from a social and family perspective due to their lack of children.

Another finding in the study is a clash between two cognitive systems of the participants: System 1, which is automatic thinking, and System 2, which is effortful thinking. For example, the evolutionary instinct to procreate and have children may be hindered by the rationality expressed in the fear of not being able to financially support a family, or the motivation to have children may be blocked by a desire for self-fulfillment prior to becoming a parent. However, despite the appearance that System 2, the rational system, is dominant, it is actually System 1, the automatic system that determines the course of action. The conflict between the two cognitive systems is resolved through hope. One characteristic of hope is finding an alternative path when faced with difficulty. For example, some of the participants in the study had fathers who did not meet their needs, and therefore they reported seeking inspiration for future fatherhood from cultural figures. In this way, a path is found that circumvents the fear of reliving their own experiences of fatherhood. The fear of not succeeding in self-realization is addressed by the perception that fatherhood is a part of self-realization. Hope also assists in strengthening the feelings of grief and loss through actions described by the participants in the study that they take in order to advance themselves towards parenthood.

It seems that the interviewees in this study place a high value on the traditional model of fatherhood, which involves having a child with a partner. This may be due to cultural and societal norms in Israel that emphasize the importance of the family institution. However, the participants also expressed a concern about the biological clock and the potential impact it could have on their ability to become fathers. This suggests that there is some acknowledgement of the biological realities of reproduction and the limitations that they may impose.

The research findings were consolidated into a theoretical model for conceptualizing the components of the longing for fatherhood, which is built from three worlds of content: (1) Motives for fatherhood: evolutionary motive, cultural-social motive, and personal motive; (2) Feelings towards the status of not fathering: damage to the sense of self-worth, acceptance with not fathering in the present, feeling loneliness and lack of belonging, jealousy, mourning and loss, and hope; and (3) Longing for fatherhood: fear and hope in the context of future fatherhood, self-fulfillment before fatherhood and through fatherhood, dependence on a partner for the realization of fatherhood, and the social family relationship. Each world of content is an interlocking teeth wheel that drives the other world of content, forming the central wheel of the longing for fatherhood.

Overall, the study provides insight into the complex and multifaceted nature of the desire for fatherhood among heterosexual Israeli Jewish men. It highlights the importance of both individual and societal factors in shaping attitudes towards fatherhood, as well as the potential conflicts and challenges that may arise in attempting to realize this desire.

To the best of my knowledge, this research is pioneering because the subject has hardly been studied in Israel and there is a very limited body of knowledge in the world that deals with heterosexual men and fatherhood. Therefore, the present study contributes to expanding knowledge about single heterosexual men and their desire for fatherhood. Theoretically, the research expands the cognitive-social model of fertility intentions to understand the experience of the desire for fatherhood. Additionally, the interlocking teeth model that drives the desire for fatherhood also constitutes a theoretical contribution to the literature in this area.

On a practical level, the findings of the research emphasize the need for emotional intervention that accompanies and sustains the experience of singlehood and unfulfilled desire for fatherhood among men. Accordingly, promoting a therapeutic framework for this population may meet the needs that emerged in the research. In addition, the broad emotional spectrum that accompanies thoughts about fatherhood highlights the importance of an open discourse on the subject with men in both the public sphere of the media and society and in the family sphere.