"It Hurts When You Touch" - The Experience of Men Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Women

Sexual abuse in men is a phenomenon often characterized by under-reporting and limited social discourse (Naftov, 2014). One of the major consequences reported by sexually abused men is a blurring experience of their gender identity (Levy, 2005). This is thought to be in light of their perception that being a victim of sexual assault is inconsistent with the social demands of men, who are usually perceived as dominant and aggressive (Levant & Powell, 2017). Social construction theory elaborates on this and explains that in light of their attempt to hide signs of vulnerability (Addis & Mahalik, 2003), men avoid seeking help, as this action is perceived as feminine behavior that presents a weakness. Furthermore, data show that they seek psychological help at significantly lower rates than women (Gough & Robertson, 2017). This finding is particularly worrying taken together with a suicide rate 4 times higher in men than in women and a general lower life expectancy (Maletsky, 2019).

Sexually assaulted men who do approach treatment, report that the social reactions and myths to the sexual assault they encounter in everyday life, are often replicated within the therapeutic process. They describe the mental health professional’s tendency to minimize their harm, blame them, or treat them as if they were the perpetrators and not the victims. Caregivers themselves also report inefficiency in identifying and treating sexually abused men (Paul & Paul, 2016).

Despite an evolving body of knowledge regarding sexual abuse in men, that has been accumulating since the 90s, most of the knowledge available is about sexual abuse in specific surroundings (e.g. prisons), or linked to childhood-related sexual abuse (Donne, Deluca, Pleskach, Bromson, Moslay, Perez & Frye, 2018). Existing research focuses usually on assaults committed by other men, while references to sexual assaults inflicted by women remain extremely limited, even to the point of being disregarded altogether (Donne, Deluca, Pleskach, Bromson, Moslay, Perez & Frye, 2018). The rare references relating to sexual abuse inflicted by women, almost always deal with different types of violence men experience within a marital relationship (Machado, Hines & Matos, 2016). Even within these studies, the explicit reference to sexual violence is very limited compared to other types of violence. Thus, the question arises whether sexual abuse of men by women is indeed such a negligible phenomenon, that therefore doesn't require a more significant place in the social and academic discourse? Alternatively, is this phenomenon silenced because it is considered a taboo that is inconsistent with the social construction that men are strong and controlling and women are submissive and controlled? (Bourdieu, 1998). The topic of this research paper evolved from these questions, and my assessment/hypothesis that this is a muted and orphaned phenomenon.

This work deals specifically with men who have experienced sexual abuse by women in adulthood, ie over the age of 16, which is considered "age of consent" according to Israeli law. The purpose of the study was to examine the experience of men who had been sexually assaulted by women, to find whether they shared the story of the assault and shed light on their experience of sharing.

The research was conducted using the qualitative method through semi-structured in-depth interviews. The study population included 11 adult men who experienced unwanted sexual contact after reaching the age of 16 who were sampled in a convenience sample. Data analysis was performed using qualitative methods, which includes both narrative and thematic analysis.

The narrative data analysis elicited four story-like messages— "the doubtful surprise," "I did not know it was possible not to want"; "Just not become the one who hurts"; "Who am I supposed to be mad at — her or myself?" In the thematic analysis, three main themes emerged - "what happened to me", "masculinity", and "personal discourse as part of social discourse".

In their journey to self-conceptualizing the event, participants went through four stations through which they tried to self-define and explain what had happened. At the first station, their effort to try and examine whether there was violence or use of physical force on the part of their partner was evident. It seemed to them that the presence, or more so the absence of physical violence, clearly determined the nature of the sexual incident. This notion has been found to characterize many men who have been sexually assaulted. This follows the general finding that people who have experienced an event comprising elements of sexual violence, find it difficult to classify it as such in the absence of classic elements of assault (Fenner, 2017; Muehlenhard, Humphreys, Jozkowski & Peterson, 2016).

At the second station, participants tended to raise the question of whether their partner had tried or intended and planned to harm them. The fact that the sexual partners were not the "classical aggressors" and on the other hand were not perceived as "classical women" made it difficult for the participants to interpret their behavior as having one or another intention of harm (Turchik & Edwards, 2012). In the third station, participants showed interest in understanding how society perceives what happened to them, and later on the fourth station, participants focused on what they know or can tell themselves about what happened. There seems to be a strong connection between the two last stations as self-perception of an event is directly shaped by the way society perceives it. This tendency is intensified when it comes to experiences that involve elements of sexual violence and sexual assault (Gunnarsson, 2018).

In accordance, there was an extensive engagement on the part of participants concerning their masculine identity, and how it was expressed before and during the assault. From their remarks, emerged two general assumptions that often shape their behavior and choices, "a real man should always want sex", and "a real man cannot be assaulted by a woman". As the interview progressed, participants began to argue with these two life assumptions and seemed to be looking for alternatives.

Throughout the interviews, it seemed that all the participants had previously shared the event with at least one person, usually choosing someone from their peer group. The vast majority of them told a partial story, omitting any experience of injury or complex feelings as they recalled the event. However, most of them indicated that an authentic sharing might be a positive and even therapeutic experience and assumed that a more open social discourse recognizing the phenomenon would encourage such sharing and perhaps even help other men to respond differently in similar sexual situations, and thus prevent them. During the interviews, it seemed that through allowing an enabling atmosphere participants managed to see beyond rigid gender roles in a way that made it possible to tell their story and acknowledge the abusive sexual experience that happened to them. This context makes it important to look once more at the connection that exists between social silence and acknowledgment of hurt. This connection, which has existed since the dawn of history, silences social issues that are inconsistent with social expectations (Jeremiah, Quinn & Alexis, 2017). Similarly, the story of the injury was flattened and silenced among the study participants, both among themselves and with the world around them because it was inconsistent with their most basic world/life assumptions.

This pioneering study can provide a basis for interest in further investigating the sexual abuse of men by women. There seems to be an amplitude of room in developing knowledge regarding the help required for men who have experienced this type of assault. Furthermore, the ways in which the existing social discourse can be expanded, to increase its effectiveness and make it perhaps more enabling should be deepened and examined.

This research also carries some limitations. First, due to the fact that this is an initial and qualitative study that included 11 participants, it does not assume to represent or generalize to the entire population of men who have been sexually abused by women in adulthood. Another limitation is related to the sampling process, which was a convenience sample, and it is possible the group of study participants belongs to a relatively small social milieu. Another limitation arises from the interviewer's gender. The fact that she was female might have influenced the findings of the study and shaped the participant's reactions and statements (Yasur-Borochovitz, 2011).