The experience of identity development among twins with different sexual orientation

The main goal of this study is to deepen the knowledge about processes of identity development. This study aimed to examine how the significant tension between strong similarity and deep difference plays a role in identity development processes, and how this tension is resolved. In the psychodynamic relational theory, there is a theoretical and practical gap, as it is not sufficiently clear how the tension between similarity and difference is managed and resolved within identity development processes. The experience of twins with different sexual orientations provides a unique case study for deepening knowledge on this issue.

In this research, I examined how twins with different sexual orientations experience and describe their identity development process through the lens of psychodynamic relational theory. The relational approach recognizes the importance of relationships with others through the dynamics of recognition and mutual recognition, and views these as fuel for self-development. The reciprocal relationship of mutual influence and the movement between dependence and independence are considered critical for self-development in this approach. Therefore, this perspective was particularly relevant for analyzing the significance of twinship in identity development experiences among twins.

Different sexual orientations among twins are presented in the literature as leading to distancing in the close relationship, sometimes even before one of the twins comes out. It is also associated with difficulties and questions regarding sexual identity and relationship challenges. Studies reveal that twins with different sexual orientations were often confused and conflicted about the difference in their orientation, and the difference was perceived by their parents as a desire to claim a separate identity. Additionally, the difference in sexual orientation led to a lack of open conversation about sexuality and difficulties in developing a separate identity. However, there are also cases in which the relationship between twins with different sexual orientations remains close and supportive. Moreover, both their close and broader environment tend to perceive the twins as a single unit, which may lead to confusion and difficulties in the development of a separate identity.

The experience of identity development among twins with different sexual orientations has not received sufficient academic attention, and this study attempts to expand the theoretical and empirical knowledge on the subject. Due to the scarcity of research in this field, I chose a qualitative-phenomenological research method, as such research focuses on experience from the firsthand perspective of those undergoing it. The phenomenological approach allows, for focus on the personal and deep experiences of the research participants and enables the description of the phenomenon from their unique point of view, without making the analysis subject to prior assumptions.

The research tool was semi-structured interviews based on an interview guide. The participant sampling was purposive and included 14 adult men who are part of a same-sex twin pair with different sexual orientations. The final number of participants was determined according to qualitative saturation. The interviews were analyzed using thematic analysis.

The analysis of the findings revealed two central themes. The first theme is “The experience of sexual orientation difference within twinship,” which deals with the meanings of the difference in sexual orientation in the relationship between twins. The theme describes the participants’ experiences, which include the protective role of the straight twin—sometimes accompanied by an emotional burden—feelings of distance and avoidance of discourse on sexuality, as well as various manifestations of doubts regarding sexual orientation, in light of social expectations and meanings of similarity and unity associated with the twin experience. The second theme is “Movement between unity and separateness,” describing the developmental process within the twin relationship. This process includes three main relational states: a sense of unity during childhood, distancing due to the difference in sexual orientation and the coming-out process, and finally, in some cases, a renewed closeness characterized by mutual recognition, significant intimacy, and preservation of individuality. This process was also observed through a narrative analysis of the interviews, in which I examined the shift between plural and singular forms of speech, reflecting the transition from unity to separateness in both identity and the relationship between the twins.

In the discussion chapter, the study’s findings were contextualized within the existing literature and relational theory, clarifying their theoretical and empirical contributions. First, the study anchors previous findings regarding support between twins, as well as distancing and lack of discourse on sexual aspects in the relationships of twins with different sexual orientations. Furthermore, the study expands the understanding of the emotional burden on both twins, associated with the coming-out process of the gay twin; the importance of the family’s reaction to the coming out; mutual doubts regarding the sexual orientation of the twins; and the possibility of increased emotional resilience in the supportive straight twin. Second, the findings significantly contribute to the psychodynamic relational approach, especially concerning how the tension between similarity and difference is managed in identity development processes. Identity development was presented through three relational states: unity, separation, and renewed closeness. This process illustrates the inherent tension between the twin experience of similarity and the difference in sexual orientation and offers a concrete path for achieving mutual recognition. This movement between similarity and difference seems to create a space where each party is recognized as separate but also as close and related. Based on these findings, it can be suggested that mutual recognition, as described by Benjamin, is not only a result of conflict between control and independence but may develop precisely from a dialectical movement between poles of similarity and difference—a movement required in any intimate relationship that seeks to allow both separation and closeness. Although this is a twin relationship, it can be seen as a unique case study of a relationship characterized by essential similarity alongside profound difference, from which insights may also be drawn for other relationships—such as parenting, romantic partnerships, friendships, and communities—where a similar tension between similarity and difference exists.