Older parents' perspective regarding co-residency with their adult home return their children following.

Adult children moving back to the home of their aging parents is a social phenomenon that only made its appearance at the beginning of this century. This study examines the new domestic situation from the perspective of the older women: how the mothers perceive their parental role, and how they regard their returning children and life with them in the same house. The population of the study consisted of 14 women between the ages of 58 and 74, whose sons and daughters aged 30 to 40 have come to live with them. The study is a qualitative one, conducted on the basis of in-depth, semi-structured interviews with the mothers. The data was analyzed according to the principles of grounded theory.

The analysis of the interviews yielded four main themes:

1. The mother’s perception of her parental role. The parental experience and the maternal role take on special significance when the progeny moves back in. This new-old situation raises dilemmas and conflicts, but also new opportunities and a rediscovery of the parental role at this stage of life.
2. The parent’s perception of the returning son or daughter. The mothers related to the way they perceived the child’s character and personality, the nature of past and present relations between them, and the reason for the child returning home.
3. The parent’s experience of living together with her adult child. The interviewees addressed the physical, economic and emotional aspects of the child moving back home, and the issue of conducting their daily lives under the same roof.
4. The emotional ramifications, arising from the first three themes, of having the adult child back home.

The differences among the mothers interviewed allowed for the distinction of four archetypes. The first is the “rescuer.” She lays down the rules in the house, and is the mainstay of support for the returning adult child (whom she regards as weak). She feels in charge and is energized by her role. The second is the “helper.” She actively gives of herself and tries to help, but the daily challenges are hard for her, both physically and emotionally. She maintains some distance from the children and sets limits. She sees herself as a good mother and derives satisfaction from that. The third, the “vacillator,” speaks about the difficulties and dilemmas she faces as a parent, her ambivalence about sharing her space, and mixed feelings about the adult child returning home. The “initiator” is domineering, proactive, and gets involved in solving problems. She involves herself in the life of the child and empathizes with him or her, at the expense of her own health.

The mothers welcome their children back home, giving them a place to live, financial assistance, help with the grandchildren (if any), emotional support and a solid base in their lives. They see their anyway-significant parental role as even more important when their children return. They derive satisfaction from their role and the assistance they are able to offer, and find something positive in the living arrangement.

Nevertheless, the mothers tend to be toward the end of their careers or already retired, their children are grown and may be parents themselves, and the mothers have their own ambitions: they want quiet and privacy, and are looking for meaning in their lives. While they feel the need to give of themselves and help their adult children, they are looking for independence, away from their children, and personal growth. The constant need to strike a balance between these desires characterizes relations between mother and child at all ages.